Somebody Call 911 !!!

Ah, back to the Cheerleader. After our night, I went home with a smile and marks all over my body. The universal signs of a good time! I flirted with disaster and disaster flirted back, and then took me for a ride.

When one has a tryst of the nature the Cheerleader and I had, you have to perk up and realize that none of this is likely real. However, the situation still begs to know if the guy should call. Most women would jump up and say, “Of course you should call!” It’s not that simple. For a guy, you don’t want to catch feelings, especially if this girl was just using you because she was lonely, out for a good time, forgetting and old boyfriend, or using you as an experiment. Sorry, ladies, but whether or not you want to own up to it, some of you can be pretty cruel in the game of love. Add to this confusion the fact that some women love to use lines like, “I don’t need a man”, “I’m not looking for a relationship right now,” “I’m just out for a good time,” “I’m really busy, gosh sooo busy, it’s hard for me to call people back *hint hint*” and so on and so forth, we never know what to think. Heck some girls talk incessantly about other guys they think or hot or they are dating or flirting with. Perhaps its to get a rise out of us or to make you look in demand? Who knows? At times we do the craziest thing possible and take you at your word when you really wanted us to read between the lines. Either way, it’s all far too complicated, and way too messy.

I liked the way we connected so at the very least I wanted to see where things would go. I called. You can all applaud now, while I stand up and take a bow. Okay, good. Thank you. Moving on… I called and she was kind of dry, but still seemed receptive, and enough so that I asked to drop by since I was in the neighborhood. She seemed somewhat eager. She’s hard to read. I figure it’s the meds.

When I get there, she is in sweats, but looking quite good. The vibe is definitely different than last time, and kind of familiar, like two old friends hanging out. Not sure what to think of this. We sit on the couch and watch some TV. We cuddle a little. I kiss her. She kisses me back. Hmmmmm. She’s shivering. It’s not cold, but she says she feels cold. Girls are always cold. What’s up with that?

She shivers more. It’s turning into the DT’s. This is getting weird. She tells me something is wrong and she can’t figure it out. I ask her if we can call her doctor. We call her doctor, and her doctor pretty much acts as if she is malingering. No help at all. I could tell you now how worthless most doctors are, but that would be a whole other blog in and of itself! We call her brother, and I sit while she argues on speakerphone that she needs him to come over, something is wrong. No dice. No one has any interest in this poor girl. I am not about to leave her alone. I hold her tight. She is worried. I ask if there is any med she takes for this. She says she has never gone through this before. She’s not sure what’s going on. 40 minutes later the shaking gets worse. It’s out of control. She starts screaming. She begs me to call 911.

If you know me, you’d know I stay incredibly calm in moments like these. I was aware of one thing. She was screaming, and it didn’t look good. It was loud, and harsh. It sounded like someone was getting murdered. I calmly open the front door to the apartment and walk into the courtyard, while her voice echoed through the place. Neighbors rushed out. This is where it pays to be calm. It not only keeps other people calm, but it also prevents people from jumping to conclusions. They are less likely to freak out and make assumptions, and more likely to help. I say, “Listen, I need you to stay calm and listen to me. My friend is in there and I think she is very sick. Please come with me and assist me.” They follow me and see she is sitting on the couch, with her muscles tensed up, and she is shaking severely and begging for 911 saying she’s sick. I’ve already called 911 and they are on their way. Poor girl and poor me, this is messy! I flirted with disaster alright!

The paramedics arrive with a gurney. By now she has spent the last minute screaming, “Make it stop! Make it stop! Somebody kill me now! Kill me now!” This was scary. I didn’t react, but inside, I have to admit, it was scary. I am sure she was pretty scared. Poor thing. The paramedics subdued her, as she was getting pretty hard to contain both physically and verbally. They loaded her onto the gurney and tied the restraints down tight and wheeled her off.

Two minutes later LAPD wanders in. They are cool and collected but they want to know what happened. I tell them calmly that we don’t know. They look suspicious. Wow this is stress added to stress! I take them around the place. They can see everything is in order. I tell them she might have had a reaction to one of her medications. I pull them into the kitchen and show them the cupboard of prescription meds. I open it, and bottles come pouring out. They give me a nod, “Ahhhhhh now we get it!” Case closed. I thank them for their help, shake hands, and go on my way. Before I leave, I pick up The Cheerleaders cell phone and look for an entry labeled “Mom”. Everyone has one. I call it, and leave the most awkward voicemail ever. I use my professional speaking voice. “Hi, you don’t know me but I am a friend of the Cheerleader…” and I go on to tell her there has been a situation, to please contact the hospital, and I leave my contact in case she needs to talk to me. The Mom calls me 20 minutes later and I calmly clue her in on everything that’s happened. The brother calls me too. He says, “Thank God you stayed with her. I feel like shit for not coming when she called me. You are a God send!”

This is a night I will never forget. I flirted with disaster and disaster flirted back.

Is there a Doctor in the House?

Ever had a friend that was like House, MD? If you haven’t seen the show, it’s about an insanely observant doctor who figures out puzzles by way of solving medical mysteries. What makes House fascinating is that he solves medical mysteries not simply by diagnosing symptoms, but by breaking down everything about a person through plain observation. He figures the people out based on personality, speech patterns, the way they walk, the way they dress, their occupation, and anything you can imagine down to the coffee stain on their shirt. He uses this information to deduce things about the person they cannot merely diagnose in a hospital setting, thus inching them closer and closer to the answer to their medical mysteries.

In our group of friends we have The Doc. Kinda fits the bill of House, only he is handsome, muscular, young, and far from crotchety like the character in the TV show. Doc, on the other hand, is an admitted sociopath. I think he’s proud of it.

The Doc has a great job, and he is equally great with the ladies. Yet, the game, the chase, whatever you want to call it, fails to entertain him in its natural state. Therefore he loves to up the ante. Everything from creating alter egos, complete with fake business cards to match, all the way to sleeping with women with whom he works. It gets worse, but he’s actually one of my protagonists, so I want you to like him. Obviously, no matter what ruse he runs, it’s his charm, quick wit, and intelligence that make it all happen.

When you sit at a bar with The Doc, like House, MD, he will have everything figured out about a woman. “See the way that girl has her purse on the bar top, set at an angle? That’s because she’s shy about her big breasts, and the angling is because she doesn’t want people to see her from her left side. She doesn’t like the way she looks, because she’s a little asymmetrical. That’s the side you should approach her from. Play up her insecurities. If she moves the purse out of the way, it means you made her comfortable, and you’re in!” Bullshit! What is he talking about? Determined to prove it, he saunters over to her with an opening he had already told us was “money”, and it’s on! She’s smiling, playing with her hair, leaning into him. The purse comes off the bar top 5 minutes later. 45 minutes later they are leaving together.

How does he do it?

When you’re that slick, getting a thrill or a rush gets really tough to come by. Doc has a girl he’s really into. Now, all you “Tiger Woods is a Cheater” fanatics will chime in, “He can’t love this girl if he cheats on her left and right!” Well, I submit to you, that some men (re: most men) can separate sex and love, and look at the girls they keep on the side. These aren’t class acts! They are kinda trashy and wild, while the good girl is the one he falls for, gives his heart and home to, and has every intention of keeping for the long haul. Yeah, I know, some of you, especially the women, want to toss your laptop out the window in a rage, but trust me this is the truth.

Doc can’t get his thrills with a normal flirtation or pickup. What’s left? How about picking up women in your girlfriend’s apartment complex and sleeping with them in the hopes the two worlds never collide? That’s what’s left!

I don’t know how he did it but he did it. He meets a hottie blonde in the same apartment building and gets things going. Of course the blonde never gets his real name or occupation. In fact she gets a business card for one of his alter egos. I query that surely he must know this is just a cry to get caught in the act. He disagrees on the basis that they live on opposite sides of the same, small complex, but as a result choose to use the east and west wings respectively. Also, he has worked out a schedule and timing with the blonde, such that, when coupled with their exiting habits and positioning in the building, two worlds will never meet. Once again, I say this is bullshit, but he is pulling it off. Obviously, this is thrill seeking at its extreme, or a desperate cry to get caught. Either way, the boy is nuts.

Oh, and for you girls that are worried that some guy is pulling one of these “Alter ego, sleep with a girl in your same building” scams, I say to you that 99.9% of men aren’t The Doc, nor do they have his skills. No need to worry.