Is there a Doctor in the House?

Ever had a friend that was like House, MD? If you haven’t seen the show, it’s about an insanely observant doctor who figures out puzzles by way of solving medical mysteries. What makes House fascinating is that he solves medical mysteries not simply by diagnosing symptoms, but by breaking down everything about a person through plain observation. He figures the people out based on personality, speech patterns, the way they walk, the way they dress, their occupation, and anything you can imagine down to the coffee stain on their shirt. He uses this information to deduce things about the person they cannot merely diagnose in a hospital setting, thus inching them closer and closer to the answer to their medical mysteries.

In our group of friends we have The Doc. Kinda fits the bill of House, only he is handsome, muscular, young, and far from crotchety like the character in the TV show. Doc, on the other hand, is an admitted sociopath. I think he’s proud of it.

The Doc has a great job, and he is equally great with the ladies. Yet, the game, the chase, whatever you want to call it, fails to entertain him in its natural state. Therefore he loves to up the ante. Everything from creating alter egos, complete with fake business cards to match, all the way to sleeping with women with whom he works. It gets worse, but he’s actually one of my protagonists, so I want you to like him. Obviously, no matter what ruse he runs, it’s his charm, quick wit, and intelligence that make it all happen.

When you sit at a bar with The Doc, like House, MD, he will have everything figured out about a woman. “See the way that girl has her purse on the bar top, set at an angle? That’s because she’s shy about her big breasts, and the angling is because she doesn’t want people to see her from her left side. She doesn’t like the way she looks, because she’s a little asymmetrical. That’s the side you should approach her from. Play up her insecurities. If she moves the purse out of the way, it means you made her comfortable, and you’re in!” Bullshit! What is he talking about? Determined to prove it, he saunters over to her with an opening he had already told us was “money”, and it’s on! She’s smiling, playing with her hair, leaning into him. The purse comes off the bar top 5 minutes later. 45 minutes later they are leaving together.

How does he do it?

When you’re that slick, getting a thrill or a rush gets really tough to come by. Doc has a girl he’s really into. Now, all you “Tiger Woods is a Cheater” fanatics will chime in, “He can’t love this girl if he cheats on her left and right!” Well, I submit to you, that some men (re: most men) can separate sex and love, and look at the girls they keep on the side. These aren’t class acts! They are kinda trashy and wild, while the good girl is the one he falls for, gives his heart and home to, and has every intention of keeping for the long haul. Yeah, I know, some of you, especially the women, want to toss your laptop out the window in a rage, but trust me this is the truth.

Doc can’t get his thrills with a normal flirtation or pickup. What’s left? How about picking up women in your girlfriend’s apartment complex and sleeping with them in the hopes the two worlds never collide? That’s what’s left!

I don’t know how he did it but he did it. He meets a hottie blonde in the same apartment building and gets things going. Of course the blonde never gets his real name or occupation. In fact she gets a business card for one of his alter egos. I query that surely he must know this is just a cry to get caught in the act. He disagrees on the basis that they live on opposite sides of the same, small complex, but as a result choose to use the east and west wings respectively. Also, he has worked out a schedule and timing with the blonde, such that, when coupled with their exiting habits and positioning in the building, two worlds will never meet. Once again, I say this is bullshit, but he is pulling it off. Obviously, this is thrill seeking at its extreme, or a desperate cry to get caught. Either way, the boy is nuts.

Oh, and for you girls that are worried that some guy is pulling one of these “Alter ego, sleep with a girl in your same building” scams, I say to you that 99.9% of men aren’t The Doc, nor do they have his skills. No need to worry.